SOME CALZONE FOR DEREK

Remember Barry Bonds, the kind of guy who you wouldn't see James Spader lending his sweater to?

Well, according to King Kaufman, there have been sightings of a leaner, lighter man (with a presumably less bulbous head and neck) strutting around San Francisco claiming to be Barry Bonds.

I don't know who this Ripley is, or what he's done with the real Barry Bonds, but it seems even Fillipe Alou has been duped:

Barry looks great, thin, like a wire... He works so hard. He looked good and strong, and he said, "I'm ready to go."

All this leaves me with a couple of questions.

If this imposter shows up at Giants training camp and keeps fooling the rest of baseball as easily as he conned Alou, will opposing pitchers start challenging this less physically imposing figure inside?

And if he then isn't able to consistently hit those balls a quarter of a mile, will pitchers then stop issuing intentional passes?

And if his OBP and SLG start dropping to the .400/.550 range of the late career Barry Bonds before he started his rigorous training program (or God forbid he starts hitting like a real 39 year-old), will Albert Pujols demand his MVP back?

And with A-Rod now playing to the left of Mr. Clutch, and not the other way around, who will be the greatest active player in baseball?

It's all topsy-turvy. At least that guy who impersonated Stanley Kubrick was just looking for some attention. It's not like he showed up on the Warner Bros. lot and demanded that they finally finance his Napoleon (or worse Weekend at Bernies 4) and changed the course of film history (although to detractors of Eyes Wide Shut, I suppose it could explain a lot).

Come back, Barry Bonds.